Fences make good neighbours

Drawing your boundaries and making them clear

I’m a sensitive soul. I cry easily (behind closed doors where nobody can see or judge me!); I wear my heart on my sleeve and I feel absolutely everything. So it’s probably no surprise that I’ve had the problem of being a people pleaser. I bear the burden of  wanting everyone around me to be happy all the time, and I will work very hard to make sure that conflict does not rise to the surface.

All that was working out ok for me till I met my now husband, who is the direct opposite of me! My husband has been known to provoke others and instigate arguments; he literally goes looking for conflict! And initially that scared the skin off my bones, but then I learnt that we must balance each other out.

I’ve always known that setting clear boundaries is a crucial part of every healthy relationship. But when it comes to applying what I know in my head to real life situations, the struggle is real yo! Nothing made this clearer than getting married and having to sever ties and limit the amount of access people have to my life. So here are the 3 top tips I learnt along the way. I hope they help you set your boundaries and make them clear.

Partnership

Like any other life-changing venture, the right partnership will determine your success. Create an intimate circle of people who you can be open and honest with. For me, my husband has been the only person I can be completely “naked” in front of, and in return he’s helped me see the flaws in my character. By being open and honest with each other, we’ve been able to sharpen each other and balance each other out. He will let me know when I’m being “wishy washy” and I will point out when he’s being much too blunt! We are accountable to each other. Find someone who will hold you accountable, who has your best interest at heart and whose opinion you respect.

No is a complete sentence

Learn to say no unapologetically. Practice saying “no”. Say it out loud, say it to the mirror, say it at every opportunity; train yourself! Get used to the word coming out of your mouth effortlessly. The next time someone asks you to do something that you either don’t want to do or can’t do; allow the first word you say to be “no”. Do not offer an excuse, or a reason: just say no. It get’s much easier after the first few times I promise! But learning to exercise this muscle will help you determine exactly what fits into your lifestyle.

Embrace your lifestyle

For us, we’ve had to repeatedly make it clear that we are champions of positive living and unashamedly so! This means that we’ve had to make some very difficult decisions about what we allow into our home and hearts; and that includes family members. I am convinced that choosing to see and speak positivity regarding even the darkest circumstance will yield a positive result, after all it’s all about perspective. So even when my friends and family bring a negative situation to me, my responsibility is to listen and encourage, but never to take take the problem as my own. I offer solutions, motivation, encouragement and support from a position of positivity. Anything else would be destructive to everyone involved and would bring negativity into my home.

So what do you value? Think of the life you’d like to build, and say no to whatever doesn’t fit in that vision. That includes opinions, people and situations.