Month by month by mummy: Part 2



Sleep is for the weak
Can we talk about sleep deprivation? Can I go on a little rant about being a sleep deprived new mama? I still love my cub, I promise; but sleep deprivation is a real thing so here we go!
You know when people say: “I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight”, I’m here to tell you that babies in fact DO NOT sleep, neither do new mothers; however fathers and husbands sleep ever so peacefully. So the next time you want to quantify your sleep, compare it to that of a new father! (I joke. Or do I?)
By the time I realised that I hadn’t slept for 4 days, I had too much going on in my mind to even manage that thought. After being in labour for 3 days, and spending the first night with my cub painfully learning to breastfeed; I was delirious with exhaustion.
A friend tried to warn me while I was pregnant: “you'll be so tired that exhausted becomes your new tired and tired is your new normal” that's what she said. And I laughed. I naively laughed thinking it can't really be that bad. Oh how naive I was.
Listen, nothing can prepare you for the actual reality of LACK OF SLEEP. The reality of living a 24 hour life. The reality that there's another human being who’s entire existence relies on you staying awake and alert at some god forsaken hour. That reality can really mess with your head! Not to mention the hormone induced mood swings that had me practically pulling out my hair when I wasn't crying or hungry (or crying because I’m hungry).

Now I’m a breastfeeding mama, so that means I have the pleasure of watching my wonderful hubby snoring away for the both of us, wondering how in the world he manages not to hear our screaming child. And how he stays asleep despite me kicking him, because sleep envy can make you do unthinkable things!


The advice I received almost daily was to sleep when baby sleeps. But how? The only time I have to do anything is when he’s asleep. And even when there’s nothing to do, I just find myself staring at my precious cub sleep in disbelief and overwhelming emotion. Until he stirs and wakes up, then I’m kicking myself for not taking advantage of those precious few minutes! It’s a vicious cycle!

My advice to all new mummies: take any and every help that is offered to you because you really will need it.
No sooner had I adjusted to the 3am feedings, then he suddenly decides he doesn’t want them anymore; so now I’m awake at ridiculous am for no reason at all. But you know what? I wouldn’t change it for all the sleep in the world, because I love being a mama Lion that much!

Month by Month by Mummy


Part 1: Everybody has an opinion

It's been a while. I'm sorry!

There's been so much on my mind and so much social commentary to be made, that I've actually had to take a step back and reevaluate how to put all my thoughts into blog format. But all that will be in another blog post. For now I want to celebrate.

My cub is officially 6 months old as I write this. Wow! I didn't expect this journey to be so overwhelming. Half the year has flown by and I've witnessed my cub transform right before my eyes. I could cry - wait I actually am crying - because I am bursting with the love I have for this little lion of mine. In honour of my baby's 6 months on earth, I will be releasing 6 post that tell the truth about my experience of motherhood. I'm calling this series: Month by month by mummy.

WARNING: this will be a bit of a long one, so grab a cup of tea!

I remember the distinct feeling of euphoria and overwhelming achievement as soon as my cub was born. I never knew I had the strength it would take to actually push out another human being into the world (with only gas and air mind you!). That's the feeling I remind myself of whenever I'm struggling as a mother, or when I’m caught up in my own head, or whenever some well meaning know-it-all offers unsolicited advice that I inevitably take as criticism of my mothering.

Be they family members, friends or society at large; it seems everyone has an opinion about parenting and they’re not shy of letting you know that their opinion is THE only right opinion (insert side eye).

Having a baby has taught me so many things, and has given me confidence to assert who I am and what I believe. If I can give birth with no medical intervention, I can surely muster up the courage to tell that annoying relative to kindly piss off, and take their opinions with them!

It's like I became pregnant and suddenly my body and my life became public property. “Don’t eat this, do this exercise, make sure you read this book” etc. It's all well intended of course, but it doesn't stop you feeling like your own body is being policed. I had to play the "smile and nod" game, and tell myself that it will be over soon.

And then my precious cub came along and you would think that everyone had given birth with me! “Hold him this way, give him this to drink, stop breastfeeding, clothe him with this, put this on his skin”; meanwhile I am the one who has pushed this precious bundle out into the world!

All these people mean well, and their opinions/ advice were sometimes very useful; but I've now learnt that it's important to take it all with a pinch of salt and not to take it to heart (as difficult as it may be with those postpartum hormones running around!).
Even those who are parents will almost definitely have a different experience to your own, because every single child is an individual with individual needs.

What I often have to remind the parenting police (and myself!) is that I would never intentionally make a decision that would put my children in danger, I will always make what I believe to be the best decision for them. I have been wrong in refusing some advice and I'm ok with admitting to those mistakes. However, I am happy that I made a decision and stuck to it because as a new mama it's important that I’m confident in trusting my parenting instincts.

The bottom line is nobody will ever know your child the way you know them, because they are your child. I truly believe that God places a child under the care of specific parents for a reason. So parent your child the way you see fit, smile politely at the child rearing police, and proceed to live a love fuelled life!

I know there are a lot of new mummies on my timeline, I hope that this post encourages you to trust your mummy instincts, and to take all those inevitable opinions with a deep breath, and healthy consideration.

As always, discuss and share your own experiences!

Curb your passion


I’m a passionate emotional soul. I’m so very passionate about absolutely everything, but if you’re my facebook friend you probably know that!
I want to do everything about every single injustice: I want to march, shout, write, scream, cry.
I feel deeply, I love hard and I give generously. I have no shallow relationships; I don’t know how to love on the surface or engage in small talk.
I have come to accept that this is a positive trait of mine that has often been misused. I have been hurt because I have given my all to people that I really shouldn’t have given anything to at all. This is still something that I struggle with, but I’m learning everyday to to curb my passion.


The toughest lesson I learnt in friendship and love was with a beautiful soul, that I really had no business giving my heart to. I poured my soul into her and I took on her burdens as my own, not realising that I wasn’t receiving anything from this relationship in return. And as we all know, constant withdrawal without a deposit leads to debt. I was living in emotional debt. When the time came for me to make a withdrawal from this relationship, there was nothing there for me.


This is not the only relationship that hurt me so badly, so I have adopted a few habits that I will encourage you to practice if - like me - you suffer from the large heart syndrome.

My number one tip: Be Honest

After this friendship heartbreak I took an inventory of the relationships around me. I needed to be honest with the people that I love and let them know exactly how I feel. So I did just that. “I love you. I need you to know that what I give to you is love. I don’t know how to give you less than what I give. When you need me I will be there. When you cry I will cry with you. When you laugh I’ll be there too. This is my heart”. This opened me up, I was vulnerable, saying I love you is never easy! But now we all know where we stand. They know exactly what they will get with my friendship.

Be realistic

This is true for any goal in life! Because of the kind of friendship I offer, I know I can only have a few friends. I’m a limited resource, and I cannot offer this type of relationship to everyone without burning out; so I limit the amount of people in my inner circle. Know who is in your intimate circle, the people you would drop everything for. Also beware: just because you’ve placed someone in your inner circle, doesn’t mean that they’ve placed you in theirs! Which leads me to point 3...


Know your audience

Remember the circle of intimacy? No? Here’s a reminder:
It’s all about creating boundaries and protecting yourself by being aware of where people fall within these circles. It’s important to realise that not everyone is here for you, and that’s ok. Some people are attracted to you because of what you have to offer; some people are attracted to the journey that you’re on, and few will be attracted to you personally. Decipher the difference and commit yourself accordingly. As obvious as it may sound, you cannot give the same commitment to Susan, who you’ve just met, as you would give to your best friend Sarah. The likelihood is that in such an instance, your kindness will be abused!
In my post Fences make good neighbours, I talk about how I learnt to create healthy boundaries, because as a person who leads with the heart; I find this very hard indeed!

I’ve finally come to a point in my life where I am comfortable enough in myself - who I am and how I am - that I am able to tell people from the onset what they can expect to get if they become friends with me. It’s liberating because I am able to finally be my true self without fear of intentional pain or judgement!

What’s been your biggest personal obstacle in revealing your true self?

Fences make good neighbours




Drawing your boundaries and making them clear
I’m a sensitive soul. I cry easily (behind closed doors where nobody can see or judge me!); I wear my heart on my sleeve and I feel absolutely everything. So it’s probably no surprise that I’ve had the problem of being a people pleaser. I bear the burden of  wanting everyone around me to be happy all the time, and I will work very hard to make sure that conflict does not rise to the surface.
All that was working out ok for me till I met my now husband, who is the direct opposite of me! My husband has been known to provoke others and instigate arguments; he literally goes looking for conflict! And initially that scared the skin off my bones, but then I learnt that we must balance each other out.
I’ve always known that setting clear boundaries is a crucial part of every healthy relationship. But when it comes to applying what I know in my head to real life situations, the struggle is real yo! Nothing made this clearer than getting married and having to sever ties and limit the amount of access people have to my life. So here are the 3 top tips I learnt along the way. I hope they help you set your boundaries and make them clear.

Partnership

Like any other life-changing venture, the right partnership will determine your success. Create an intimate circle of people who you can be open and honest with. For me, my husband has been the only person I can be completely “naked” in front of, and in return he’s helped me see the flaws in my character. By being open and honest with each other, we’ve been able to sharpen each other and balance each other out. He will let me know when I’m being “wishy washy” and I will point out when he’s being much too blunt! We are accountable to each other. Find someone who will hold you accountable, who has your best interest at heart and whose opinion you respect.


No is a complete sentence

Learn to say no unapologetically. Practice saying “no”. Say it out loud, say it to the mirror, say it at every opportunity; train yourself! Get used to the word coming out of your mouth effortlessly. The next time someone asks you to do something that you either don’t want to do or can’t do; allow the first word you say to be “no”. Do not offer an excuse, or a reason: just say no. It get’s much easier after the first few times I promise! But learning to exercise this muscle will help you determine exactly what fits into your lifestyle.

Embrace your lifestyle

For us, we’ve had to repeatedly make it clear that we are champions of positive living and unashamedly so! This means that we’ve had to make some very difficult decisions about what we allow into our home and hearts; and that includes family members. I am convinced that choosing to see and speak positivity regarding even the darkest circumstance will yield a positive result, after all it’s all about perspective. So even when my friends and family bring a negative situation to me, my responsibility is to listen and encourage, but never to take take the problem as my own. I offer solutions, motivation, encouragement and support from a position of positivity. Anything else would be destructive to everyone involved and would bring negativity into my home.
So what do you value? Think of the life you’d like to build, and say no to whatever doesn’t fit in that vision. That includes opinions, people and situations.

Dream BIG, start small




I have a vivid imagination and can pretty much conjure anything up in this little mastermind of mine! Over the years I have had many HUGE dreams and aspirations, but have either been too scared or too overwhelmed to even attempt to achieve them. Yes, its sad, I know.
So now I’m at the point where I am ready to face my dreams head on, I want to share some tips on how to tackle your dreams. I'll keep it simple, because that's the key! Here we go:

3 top tips on How to overcome the dream jitters

Write down your goals clearly

Be as simple as possible and avoid a long list. I used to make a long list of New year resolutions with no clear plan of how to achieve them, I was setting myself up for failure. Nowadays I only have 3 big goals for the year maximum! I write these down along with a plan of how to achieve them.


Have a map

I was going to say plan, but I find that I need to be much more prescriptive than just “planning”. Living a purpose filled life is a journey, so having a map makes travelling the journey much easier! I have found that creating a clear map of EXACTLY how I plan to achieve my goal, with very specific steps, brings my plans to life. All of a sudden my goals become tangible. So be as specific as you can about each step, and watch your dreams come to life!

Start from where you are, work with what you got

It's so easy to be overwhelmed by the sheer volume of work that has to be done, or overcome with fear at the prospect of actually achieving your dreams. The key is to start right where you are with whatever resources you have; that's the beauty of following a map! Take the step that you can take and reward yourself for it.

Bonus tip: Get support!

Surround yourself with people that are headed in the direction of your dreams. Go to networking events, get a mentor, get talking about your dreams on a daily basis. The more you talk about it, the more you keep it alive!
These are just some of the lessons I'm learning as I pursue the life I want. I hope I've encouraged you to stay on track or to pull up your socks and get to work!
So in the spirit of starting where we are, what is the first step in your journey? Starting this blog is mine. It wasn’t easy because I’ve had to be so open, but it’s been pivotal in getting my journey started. Comment below with yours and let’s discuss. :-)

After the Crossroads


As women there are many sides to our identities, and if you're progressive you'll keep adding and discovering new sides of who you are.

For me 2014 - 2016 has been the most transformational period of my 27 years! I'm a wife, a mother, and crucially I am finally embarking on a brand new career, venturing into the scary but rewarding world of business! Yay me!

Like most of my friends, my career shaped the trajectory of my lifestyle for the longest time. I was consumed by it from the age of, let's say 13. Then 10 years later, my family was torn apart. I lost my stability, the earth crumbled beneath me and I was shaken to the core! These events coupled with my dwindling passion for the industry forced me to reconsider what is really important to me. It occurred to me that I might not actually WANT the life that I was so vigorously pursuing! I fought this idea fiercely, after all I have been chasing this for as long as I can remember! Until one day I was speaking to my mentor in the industry, and a light bulb went off!


This woman that I admire - let’s call her Ms X - is very well known and respected. She’s achieved so much in/ for the industry, and I was following in her footsteps. It hit me that she's 20 years ahead of me and she doesn't have the life I want! I look at her success and realise that she either didn’t want the life I want, or she’s sacrificed those things for her professional success. As I speak to her, I realise: When looking at those you admire, consider their sacrifices as well as their success before emulating them. My decision was cemented.

So what is it that I want? The life I WANT is almost taboo amongst forward thinking young women in my generation: I want a family. I want to be a mama and a wife and I want a home for my family. And I want all of that before I hit 30. I knew I couldn’t be committed to the type of career I was chasing and still have the type of family life I wanted... not at the same time. As I have learnt, the key to success is commitment and focus. So? Well time for a reconsideration of what's important to me, prioritise and commit.

It took me a while because truthfully, I didn't know how to live in my own truth. I was too eager to please others; I was too scared to be seen as someone who "didn't go for it" or (God forbid) old fashioned!

Isn't life funny? When you work against the current of your heart, things are just so hard! But as soon as you decide to "go with the flow" it all just falls into place!

So here I am, going with the flow. And it's not easy, but the peace I have within let's me know that I'm living in my own truth.

If you want to join me on my journey, please follow, like and share. I promise to me unapologetically ME 😊

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